Didn't really know where else to put this, so I'm dumping it here.

People tell me all the time how I'm some great inspiration for them and it always makes me feel bad. They don't really know that I'm not the type of person they should aspire to be.

Lately I've been very stressed, moreso than usual, and I'm just tired of it. I've had thoughts of ending myself throughout my life, but I always took them with a grain of salt, thinking things will always get better. Well now I can't really lie to myself.

The biggest descension to my current state happened a few weeks ago, when my friend killed herself. None of my friends will admit it, but it was my fault. They all tried to help her, while I would just hide away with her and joke about it like it was nothing. Fuck me, right? One day you're joking about hanging yourselves and then a week later it actually happens.

Since then it has been small shit just slowly piling up and crushing me. Shit that shouldn't even bother me. Things like not being able to get some doof I'm interested in to give me the time of day, to things like not being able to motivate myself to talk to my own damn family. Now I'm even behind all my classes and my professors are pretty chill about it, but it'll be soon that they expect me to get over everything.

I'm even getting real pissy with my friends. They don't deserve my wrath, they've only tried to help. But seeing them just puts me in a bad mood.

I hate it. I hate them. I hate me.
Call me 2edgy or whatever but I'm just sick and tired of it all.

Maybe in a bit I'll realize how stupid this all is.
Maybe I'll realize it too late.

But whatever. I raved and thats all I came here to do.