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I've been considering suicide since I was 10 or 11, and I'm 26 now.
When I was a kid, I wasn't expected to amount to anything. My 2nd grade teacher told my mom she could "forget about college", and that I'd need special help for my entire life. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PDD-NOS (I definitely show symptoms of ADHD; not convinced about the PDD)
I was pretty socially retarded throughout my childhood, but despite that I was generally liked, though I was also very skeptical of people liking me because my self-esteem was so low
I had this terrible habit of choosing shitty friends I could form intense friendships with, over casual friendships with good people - I was friends with a little sociopath from 3rd to 7th grade, and people would ask why I spent time with the asshole. It was for validation. Then from 7th to about 10th grade I was friends with this narcissistic loser. These kids were my best friends, but I wasn't theirs. I still hate myself for being a submissive follower to these kids, and now my sense of dominance and submission is warped - when I need things from people, I become pathetically submissive, but with friends and especially partners I'm pathologically dominant
I was socially retarded until my junior year of college, when I decided I needed to learn to socialize, so I joined tons of social groups - it was rough at first, but I met some amazing people
Then I joined the Peace Corps, which was hugely rewarding, but I spent a lot of time still learning to socialize, and when I struggled, it was painful and I did try to hang myself once when I was over there. I went to all the parties, and I had a ton of good friends there, but many acquaintances still saw me as a weirdo
now I'm back in the US, working at a bookstore for the time being, while I apply to grad schools. Sometimes I'm happy with how accomplished I am compared to people I grew up with, but other times I want to die because I feel like the most pathetic loser.
