My mom treated my siblings and I very different growing up. I understand, that to a degree, this is very normal.

But, my mother very much denied us affection the moment we weren't her fucked up terms of a "golden child"

For example, I remember my sister became very overweight as a child. She was about 9 years old when it started. I remember my mom would feed her tons because my sister begged her for it. But then turned around and said she was disgusted by my sister's fatness to me and my brother. My mom constantly joked about her, so my brother and I did the same to follow her and make her laugh. We bullied my sister badly, and my mom joined in.

So, I seriously think this got me fucked up mentally. This was just an example of my sister that was really apparent. But my mom did the same things to me. When I was 12 I had a stupid little boyfriend and we only held hands at school and shit. This made me kinda reclusive. I'd get embarrassed a lot and want to talk on the phone alone in my room. Then my mom lost her shit and told my family that I was a literal prostitute and using meth and that boyfriend of mine was doing it all. My family thought I was using meth from like 12 years old for the longest time. Maybe until I was about 16.

So, my mom would emotionally manipulate us. To separate us. Separate me from my siblings and my siblings from me. Separate family from family. All my life. I don't even understand why. And my question is: How in the hell do I process all this? I feel like my self esteem is forever fucked. I feel like I too will carry the disgusting behavior of my mother if I ever become a mother of multiple children. My mom is near impossible to talk to. If anything gets too real for her, she just says she gets depressed and wants to kill herself. I'm pretty sure she does this to avoid problems now.

Any words of wisdom from /adv/ or similar mom experiences?