I have disruptive patterns of behavior (weed,procrastrination) and I lie about it to my family. I have disruptive social inhibitions, blocking love and adventures. I'm also feeling a sense of meaninglessness from the probable fact that information about what's going on in this world will eventually be out of reach to anyone. I'm also feeling guilty about neglecting family relations, particularly of the elderly who will most likely die within a small amount of decades. I'm already imagining regretting that I didn't invest more time with them. Also I'm failing courses at uni, just to top it off. Meanwhile, people die around the world while I could prevent many of them by giving away my resources instead of consuming them all for my own pleasure.

All of this shit because of my own weaknesses and stupid past decisions.

I've been considering going to some far-away secular temple and try finding peace for an indefinite amount of time, but it makes me anxious to think about losing the relations i want to keep, and to be on the opposite side of the world as they lose to time.

i feel like i've lost