/adv/ - Advice » Thread #16405944

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Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 17:46:01 No.16405944 View Reply Report Delete

Quoted By:

Since it seems to be a recurring theme here, I'll make a thread about affiliation and attraction, analyzed as per Social Psychology definitions.
This is meant to be a "short", informative, simple text meant to help you understand those subjects - what is "attraction", what is "attractive", what is "social anxiety" and so on.

READ BEFORE POSTING:
>I am not an absolute expert on the subject, just a psychology student.
>Therefore, I will stick by the books (will provide sources) not to write bullshit.
>HOWEVER, I can not and will not provide any type of /adv/ice regarding therapy. Seek professional help.

Anonymous

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Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 17:47:34 No.16405949 Report Delete

Quoted By:

>Affiliation - what it is.
Human beings need each other's company. This is what has helped us to thrive through history - it's an evolutionary feature so much rooted in our cultures that it is considered a need.

>Affiliation - how it works.
Not everyone cares for the same amount of company, or the in the same periods of time - the reason being that our brain will regulate our need for affiliation like it will any other need: through homeostasis [O'Connor-Rosenblood experiment, 1996]. Any given person has an ideal amount of need for company and our brain will react to it, actively seeking to avoid/pursue relationships in order to reach equilibrium. Our ideal number of relationships is influenced by mainly two factors: (1) our disposition (introverts's central nervous system is more easily aroused, causing one's brain to actively try to keep contacts to a reasonable minimum in order to keep up)[Johnson, 1999] and our social context (cultures have different views on "groups" and "relationship" - the culture we'll grow up in and the culture we'll live in will influence us regardless of whether or not we embrace them.).

>Affiliation - what can go wrong.
Not only we understand that we are stronger in groups, but we've come to view companionship as a positive, fun experience, making it all the more alluring... however, this isn't true for everyone; therefore we must strive to understand the two more common problems we face in relationships: social anxiety and loneliness.

(part 1 of 2)

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 17:48:53 No.16405953 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406019

>Social Anxiety
Before (or even during) a social interaction, we may find ourselves rather uneasy. Whether we recognize this or not, social anxiety is a direct consequence to fear of rejection, which is in turn caused by two factors: (1) physical responses (facial expressions, body language) and (2) contextual responses (realizing we are out of place, being stuck in intimidatory surroundings, feeling cast in a very different environment from the one we're used to). We may all experience social anxiety, however some of us may experience chronic social anxiety, or even straight-up social phobia. These ailments are caused by the same factors: unless we find a way to deal with our uneasiness when it faces us, we'll end up perceiving others' reactions as rejection due to having our judgement temporarily impaired; everyone else will, in turn, be influenced by our negativity and be more likely to reject us - thus making our fears come true [Pishyar, 2004]. The blow to our self-esteem may lead us into a vary vicious loop.

>Loneliness
Loneliness is not lack of company, but rather a feeling that ensues due to lack of quality in relationship. Is perfectly normal to feel isolated in the midst of a crowd, or in our daily lives. Examinations on loneliness have led researchers to find these common characteristics [Bersheid-Reis, 1998]:
- feeling shy, depressed, having a tendency to introversy, having low self-esteem;
- a much smaller number of intimate relationships (we're not talking about sex, but rather about family members, close friends...);
- a strong tendency to judge others harshly or a tendency to attribute their condition to inward causes (being too shy, different...).
Depending on how we react to what we perceive, loneliness may too become a chronic ailment.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 17:52:06 No.16405965 Report Delete

Quoted By:

This is it for now - I tried to keep everything short and simple.

If this is any help to anyone, I'll post the second part on attraction - what it is, what is attractive, what is not, some do's and don'ts.

If it isn't, oh well. Too bad.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 18:06:59 No.16406019 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406037

>>16405953
Do the books say how to deal with those?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 18:11:37 No.16406037 Report Delete

Quoted By:

>>16406019
Yes and no. They highlight the causes, but Social Psychology just explains things - therapy is a whole other branch.

If you're interested, I'm preparing the part on attraction - I trust it will be of help in dealing with those. Just check again in a while.

To be more precise: this whole thread is a short, simple, self-help text.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:24:01 No.16406255 Report Delete

Quoted By:

>Attraction - what it is.
As we've seen, we naturally seek company. But why are we more attracted to one person rather than another? Regardless of gender, we feel drawn to certain people in certain moments; also, why are we repelled by someone in given moments? Can we change what people feel about us? Attraction is influenced by four factors: (1) physical appearance, (2) perceived similarities, (3) complementary characters and (4) reciprocity.

>Attraction - how it works.
>Physical Appearance
(This whole thread is kept simple by choice, but this is the one section that won't probably be any news to you. Nevertheless, I needed to get over it.)

What does exactly makes us physically attractive? Skin color, height, bust size - all these factors are contextual and can vary greatly depending on the environment we find ourselves in. People generally tend to be more attracted to familiar images - that is, people having common features they are used to seeing. Overall demonstration of well-being is very appreciate and a muscular body or signs of wealth are plus that do not go unnoticed... but more often then not, simply being clean and healthy is enough requirement to be considered "attractive". And yes, acttractiveness does give us advantages regardless of others' original intentions: if considered attractive, we'll make them feel at ease, therefore more willing to help us.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:25:53 No.16406264 Report Delete

Quoted By:

> Perceived Similarities
People are drawn to those who either look, act or think like them. Mind not to confuse this concept with the need for conformity; simply put, having shared similar experiences and having similar backgrounds will make the other person more likely to "tune in" on us, treating us as equal. Following this logic, we should work well with people most similar to us - and yet everyone is drawn to whoever is more attractive, beautiful or charming. We will later explain in point (3) why this happens; however, regardless of that feeling, we will still perform better in terms of relationships if met with our equals, as explained in point (4). There is no shame in feeling attracted

>Complementary characters
Many time you may have heard that opposites attract each other. I can happily call bullshit on that. Truth is, complementary attract each other: whenever we are met with people whom we recognize having traits we consider ideal (such as kindness, being courageous...), we'll feel immediately drawn to them as we'll feel they complete our personality. Therefore, if our ideal self is "beautiful" (most common occurrence, as many find beauty valuable when picturing an ideal self), we are more than likely to fall to their charms...

>Reciprocity
...however, relationships with such people tend to be heavily one-sided. Attraction will NOT last unless both parties are actively involved with the intimacy of the relationship. The more equal they are, the easier they'll keep up.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:27:18 No.16406268 Report Delete

Quoted By:

>Intimacy of relationship - what it is, how it works.
Relationship are made up by the rhythm of relationship, which is divided into two factors: (1)touching and (2)sharing (I swear, this isn't "that" kind of intimacy.). As long as the rhythm is well met by both parties in agreement, the relationship can advance. IMPORTANT: yes, it is scientifically true that revealing too much and too soon can crush the relationship - for good. It is regarded as unwise to pursue such relationship any further in case this mistake is made.

>Touching
Touching each other - as in a gentle pat on the head, a hug - will advance the intimacy of a relationship. However, bear in mind that the level and the frequency of touching as to be appropriate to the level of relationship and met with reciprocity by the other partner. To many women, the face is a no-touching zone for acquaintances; to males, hugs and kisses on the cheeks by the same sex are considered things correlated to homosexuality as they need to be "justified" by "context". Always keep in mind touching is heavily influenced by (1) the culture of the country you're in, (2) the receiving end's gender and sexual disposition (heterosexual, homosexual...) and (3) your environment. As a rule of thumb:
- Strangers (No contacts): touching is ill advised.
- Acquaintances (You've met once, twice): brief touching allowed on shoulders, back, arms, hands to ask for attention.
- Acquaintances/Friends (You happen to meet regularly for work/school): patting allowed on shoulders, back, arms, hands to indicate affection is allowed.
- Friends (You meet regularly willingly to hang out): having hands over shoulders, back - prolonged touching of arms and hands is allowed.
- Close friends (You have shared secrets and experiences back and forth for a while): touching on the whole upper torso (breasts are obviously excluded) and brief touching on tights is allowed. Brief hugs and cuddles are allowed.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:28:56 No.16406272 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406371

>Sharing
Sharing thoughts, secrets and experience will advance the intimacy of the relationship. As in touching, keep in mind that the lever and the frequency of sharing as to be appropriate to the level of relationship and met with reciprocity by the other partner. As a rule of thumb:
- Strangers (No contacts): Presentation is allowed - anything else is ill advised.
- Acquaintances (You've met once, twice): small talk about the immediate surroundings is allowed.
- Acquaintances/Friends (You happen to meet regularly for work/school): talk about light, personal information is allowed (as in asking for their physical well-being, their aspirations)
- Friends (You meet regularly willingly to hang out): talk about medium, personal information is allowed (as in sharing thoughts and opinions).
- Close friends (You have shared secrets and experiences back and forth for a while): talking about personal issues and asking for psychological well-being is allowed.

Do notice that the rhythm of relationship will decay whenever one of the two parties stops responding as intensively, for whatever reason. You may either lower down the relationship a tier or drop it entirely. This is entirely natural.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:32:15 No.16406282 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406309 >>16406320

I am done for now, /adv/.

I hope I managed to do some good; it this actually manages to help someone, I may do another one about love in the future.

Again: this is a short, self-help thread. I tried to keep everything as simple as possible. Read if you're interested, draw your own conclusions, let me know if I've been any help - or feel free to drop a critique too.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:40:53 No.16406309 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406395

>>16406282
das cool n all but how do i actually fugg a grill dat isnt my girlfriend or a prostitute

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:44:21 No.16406320 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406395

>>16406282
Shit nigga, why don't they teach this shit at school? Is there some book that's good that I can read on this?

Uncle Cunty

Uncle Cunty Thu 29 Oct 2015 19:50:48 No.16406336 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406395

You have posted an inciteful, well presentated and knowledgable opinion. Well done.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:02:05 No.16406371 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406395

>>16406272
How fast can I build a friendship? Is there some recommended time you should spend on each tier?

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:07:38 No.16406395 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406410

>>16406320
Because Psychology has a fuckton of branches and many people consider none an actual science - I've had to explain they fucking are so many times... many textbook about Social Psychology explain these kind of things in great detail (why stereotypes, why racism, why would you ever obey authority, why rebels) - and they're usually cheap.

>>16406309
Bruh, easy if you follow the steps
1) prove her you can lift
2) actually lift, nigga
and, as a personal favor,
3) drop current girlfriend before boning other grill.

>>16406336
Thanks Uncle, I am flattered. Still, could've been done better - this is usually a place for more practical /adv/ice. I just hope anyone needing this stumbles upon it.

>>16406371
The "tier" are a "rule of thumb", so not actually part of any theory - it was just to give you a raw idea.

With that said: you can skip from Strangers to Acquaintances/Friends in a week if the groove is good, around two if it's normal. Afterwards is usually cool to ask people to hang out - if you all enjoyed the time, promoted as Friends. For Close Friends it takes about a month or two of normal friendship - take time to let things happen.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:11:54 No.16406410 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406454

>>16406395
you lost me at lifting those dudes over at /fit/ are more hopeless with pussy than you think

also i should clarify i dont have nor do i want a gf but i just want to lose my virginity that isnt a hooker

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:23:05 No.16406454 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406477

>>16406410
Sorry, sorry, I was just joking. As I said, healthy & clean are good enough requirements to bone.

Love is a fucking big chapter tho, and I'm too tired to write about it now - just take my words on the fact that it is divided into Liking (wanting to bone, or "seeing each other") and Loving (trust + sex).

You can start a Liking-type relationship at pretty much any tier, it depends on the context - I recommend being Friends at least for the % of success. Just keep scoring point in Attraction, then make a move when you're ready (move being kiss her/ invite her on a date).

Sorry if this sounds cheesy and dumb - it's just overly simplified. I may do a proper thread later, Idk when, so bear with me for now, anon.

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:30:14 No.16406477 Report Delete

Quoted By: >>16406504

>>16406454
I can and have gotten the kiss but i can never get puss

Anonymous

Anonymous Thu 29 Oct 2015 20:41:08 No.16406504 Report Delete

Quoted By:

>>16406477
Just keep scoring points 'til you get it. Once the Liking thing is on, keep it on - know what makes her wet. Things happen pretty fast.

I met my own gf while we were evacuating the building due to an earthquake. No major damage on anything, so we got to get back inside later on and by then I had already invited her for dinner. We kept seeing each other for a week or so (achieving Friends status helps) and then I kissed her. We just kept it at making out for about a month, then I told her I wanted sex and she strongly refused - said she wanted to wait, see if we worked together. I accepted, and I lost my virginity to her 2 months later.

This is all an example to say:
>Be Friends
>Make move
>Wait it out
>Make move II
>Sex achieved

Be smooth about it - if you're not fake it, it works just fine. I sure as hell wasn't.

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