I am having trouble deciding if I am trans (MTF) or just have a cross dressing fetish. I do cross dress but I also have the feelings of wanting to be a female during cross dressing and when I am not. My first knowledge or memory of wanting to be female is in 6th grade but have been cross dressing since a young age about kindergarten. There are also times when I don't want to be female, mainly due to different aspects of society like how trans people get treated, all the processes I would have to do, the time it would take, the money it would take, the idea that i cant really go back if i go trough with it, losing all the people i was close to, etc.I also feel like I should explore different relationship options before I go through with it since I have never been in a relationship (18yo) but that is also in due to the fact that I think relationships when you are under 22 are ridiculous for most people.

I know I should just probably read the trans info dumps again and try to figure it out, but I was just wondering what people's thoughts are since I have been in and out of depression like feelings since about 8th grade.
Thanks