I've decided to post this thread on /lit/ because I feel like this is the place that this type of thread will have the greatest chance of being genuinely related to and answered competently.

Over the years, I've been more and more convinced that my reality is that of solipsism. That is, that I am the only being in the universe, and that all that exists, including you, is a concept in my mind. Part of this transpired organically, and in addition, I must admit that I reinforced some of these thought patterns, I think, in hindsight, because I found them empowering. I especially think that the lsd I took, the large amounts of weed I smoked, and the extended periods of time I spent meditating contributed largely.

I look back at my life, and I can lucidly see that my main quest was for some sort of 'enlightenment' or higher knowledge. I chose to be, or perhaps simply was at the core, a seeker, and a sacrificer to that end. And that my conception during this time was that whatever I was seeking has the side effect of you being checked out of reality. Insanity possibly. Or at least a style of living entirely eccentric from the masses. I pray the latter.

Anyways, I feel that I have arrived to that end, or at least made some sort of major headway, and that everything right now is culminating and coming to some sort of conclusion, some sort of climax. My former reality is making less and less sense, and feels less and less appealing to me. I feel like I am slipping away. On the verge of ending up in a psyche ward or something. My concept of time has been shattered repeatedly. My identity has been shattered repeatedly. Reality to me seems to be just a recipe comprised of all you thoughts, and that when you jumble your thoughts, reality completely changes and reorganizes as well.

I am thinking back rights now on two occasions during the past two months during which I experienced 'moments of eternity'. Harrowing. Life changing. I've been in up in heaven and down in hell, and both at the same time.

Can I please get some advice. Please.

Does anybody know where I am coming from?

I am trying to go on despite having internalized all this. I am trying to pull myself together and ride it out. But I do not know to what end. What am I riding out? What is the destination when 'this' is ridden out? Unconsciousness? Death?

I don't want to be a seeker anymore. I surrender. I just want a nice girl to be in love with, and I was bliss.