>>23839716I just feel empty at this point.
I don't actually gain any happiness from laughing at a comedic sketch or a joke. It feels like I'm fooling myself when I reflect on it. Like laughing is just a temporary band-aid for this giant wound that came out of nowhere.
And that is the worst part of it, that I don't know why I'm depressed.
Nobody's ever done any harm to me. My parents have always been very loving and compassionate. All be them a bit weird, they've always tried to do whatever's best for me whenever they could. After all they still had my three sisters to take care of. I never felt like I was forgotten, but for some reason I wished I was back then.
I don't know why I wished that. I know they haven't forgotten me, but the rest of the world undoubtedly has. No talk of me as a person, only as a symbol for what's wrong with the lazy, inactive, jobless people who are oh so sad.
I know they talk about me. I hear them talk about me.
Killing myself isn't an option. I don't want my parents to think they did a bad job. It's not their fault that I am this way and writing that on a note won't convince them that it wasn't.
Talking like this makes it seem like I think I'm smarter than others, but really I am among the most inept people in society. I wish I wasn't like this. Overthinking doesn't make me intelligent, it's a waste of time. Yet I still do it.
I honestly wish someone would kill me instead. I have no idea how I would though. Especially since I don't want my cover to be blown.
Whatever, at least /r9k/ still makes me feel like I'm not a madman. Knowing that there are others like me is a really soothing thought. I suppose it makes it bearable.
