-i sell my piss on ebay
-when i play the harmonica birds begin to weep with sorrow
-i can paint pictures with words
-i once owned a horse named clyde who could kick down doors
-i teach africans how to farm and they pay me with songs
-ive had the hiccups for seventeen years
-after the major car crash i was in, they had to staple the two hemispheres of my brain back together
-i broke my leg completely in half and now 90% of my left femur is made of titanium: this had made me impervious to tazers, much to the chagrin of local law enforcement
-ive tattood my teeth
-i can speak eleven different dialects, but only when naked
-i use violins as blunt force weapons more often than i play them musically
-i beat an autistic kid in chess once and his parents tried to sue
-every time i fart i am reminded of what i had for dinner the night before
-i hope to one day masturbate in space
-if my son ever outgrows me in height, we will have to fight to the death
-i once burned an ant with a magnifying glass and then prayed to jesus for fogiveness
-the next day a package arrived in the mail containing death threats
-in the pack was also a map to the bottom of the ocean
- i once tied a squirrel to a remote control airplane